Spinoff Blogathon

spinoff

Sati’s awesome debut blogathon asked us to choose a peripheral character we’d like to see become the lead in their own film. This caused somewhat of a problem for me, in that I have a rubbish memory. Therefore, trying to recall the smaller, less celebrated characters in a film was going to present a problem. I’m lucky if I remember who the lead was, let alone the lesser characters. So I had a good think and the only minor character who really stuck out was the legendary Jesus from the Coen Brothers’ The Big Lebowski. This guy…

Now, there have been rumblings ever since The Big Lebowski came out in 1998 that Jesus could get his own spinoff film, but it hasn’t, as of yet, materialised. So why Jesus?

Well he’s just such an enigma; you could do practically anything with the story. We know that he loves bowling. We also know that he spent 6 months in prison for exposing himself to an 8-year-old and had to go door to door telling everyone he was a pederast.

For my story, I’d start at the beginning showing him as a child and how he developed his obsession with bowling. His father will also have been a keen bowler trying to win some kind of championship, and one night a group of no-gooders turn up to the bowling alley and kill his father. Standing there looking at the corpse, his father’s personalised bowling ball (with a cross on it) rolls towards him. He picks it up, looks at the cross and there and then Jesus is born. Or something like that.

Despite that very serious sounding beginning, the whole thing would be laced with the same dark, stoner humour that is rife in The Big Lebowski. We would be privy to the incident in which Jesus exposes himself to a young boy, but it would be as twisted and disgusting as it sounds. In fact, I’d make it so that he didn’t actually do it at all, but the whole thing was a misunderstanding or the boy was making it up.

liam-o-brien

After he gets out of prison, we’d see Jesus going around the houses in his neighbourhood telling people he’s a pederast. We’d see him getting beaten up a few times, but then come across a woman (maybe a younger Bunny) who’s so stupid she doesn’t know what a pederast is, so he lies to her and makes up something impressive and the two strike up a relationship.

He starts to rebuild his life, getting a job somewhere like a deli. Or maybe has a school janitor, which would be pretty twisted considering his conviction. It’s in his job that he meets Liam, who becomes his bowling partner and the two become focused on winning the championship his father was trying to win when he killed.

Spending so much time bowling, Jesus has no time for his girlfriend and she leaves him, although he’s so focused on the bowling that he barely notices. It’s suggested that Liam has a Waylon Smithers-style thing for Jesus and is happy at this news. This is all shortly before this story and The Big Lebowski intersect, although there could be a few more crossovers. Perhaps the thugs who killed his father are somehow related to those who do the Dude over.

The beauty is that this could go in a million and one different directions. It could take this form, as a part prequel, or it could run in tandem with The Big Lebowski, or it could be a sequel of sorts featuring the ‘little Lebowski’. The possibilities are endless.

And remember – no-one fucks with the Jesus.

So that’s a pretty specific story in places, and very basic but it’d be a start. I’d love to hear your thoughts on what you’d do with the character…

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45 thoughts on “Spinoff Blogathon

  1. I’d watch the shit out of this!!!

  2. This is amazing. I would love to see this film. So many great choices in this blogathon!

  3. sati says:

    Awesome idea! Jesus is so memorable and I love your story about his father dying and him being fixated on winning, that would explain why he is so…focused while bowling :)

  4. Perfect! Pitch it to Ethan and Joel. They’d have to say yes ;)

  5. The Vern says:

    Really cool story. I like the idea of Jesus being accused off exposing himself to a young boy, but he didn’t actually do it. The whole movie could be about him trying to prove his innocence while trying to win a bowling tournament. Great job on this post

  6. Great post! I’d definitely give this one a watch! Going to have to join you in the rubbish memory camp and give this blogathon some thought! :-)

  7. elina says:

    Awesome post, Chris!! Once I get to actually see The Big Lebowski, I’ll definitely agree with you, too. :D

  8. Gene says:

    Hahaha, terrific pick Chris. That would be one funny story. Even a chance at a cameo from the Dude?!?! I’m with you too on the memory, mine is terrible. I’d have to sit in front of my movie collection and look at each title w/ pictures to recall more than just one or two actors in the film. Thank goodness for IMDb filmography!

    • Thanks Gene! I definitely reckon the Dude could show up somewhere, it’d be great if there were little cameos here and there. IMDb is a lifesaver! One of the reasons I started the blog is so I can keep a record of what I watch and what I thought of it!

  9. The Jesus scenes are hands down my favourites in The Big Lebowski, and he has my favourite line in the entire film: “You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I’ll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger ’til it goes “click.””
    Never fails to make me laugh! Nice idea.

  10. Great idea for a post. He does deserve his own movie!

  11. theipc says:

    Excellent post!! Nicely done!!

  12. Now this is an inspired choice. Yes! Good on you Chris.

  13. Mark Walker says:

    I knew it! He was my first choice as well but I also knew somebody somewhere would pick him. I’m glad you did, Chris. This spinoff Blogathon wouldn’t be the same without Jesus. Love your pitch for his further adventures too. Bravo sir!

  14. thomasjford says:

    Oh man, snap! I have a rubbish memory as well. All I could think of, over and over again was The Goonies in another adventure. But that wouldn’t be in the rules!

  15. Yeah I would totally watch this!! Sounds like a hilarious and decidedly less ponderous version of “Little Children,” with bowling throw in. Epic bowling PSA for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WexMi3m68Y8

  16. This is amazing. I’d SO watch this. “Nobody fucks with the Jesus” would be a great title.

  17. ruth says:

    John Turturro seems to always be memorable in the Coens movies, he’s great in Miller’s Crossing too but obviously he’s not as iconic as here. Who knows maybe the Coens is working on it, hopefully he reads your post :D

  18. thycriticman says:

    One question Chris…..

    Why have you not written the screenplay for his idea yet? Just think about how much you’ll make when it becomes a huge success.

  19. No one F’s with him!

  20. Great choice! I did actually think of him when doing my post, but I went with someone else.
    Great post! :D

  21. Dan says:

    Very creative! It’s a film I’d pay to see!

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