A Review of Transformers: Age of Extinction as if written by Michael Bay

BOOOOOOM. SMASSSHHHH. PROMETHEUS OPENING. ARRRGHHH. BANG. MARKY MARK. SUPERMAN’S HOUSE. BANG. LOW ANGLE SHOT. SILHOUETTES. CRASSSHH. BADLY WRITTEN STONER DUDE. LOW ANGLE SHOT. LOW ANGLE SHOT. BOOOOOOM.

NEW MEGAN FOX. LEERY SHOT OF NEW MEGAN FOX. BOOOOOOM. OVERPROTECTIVE DAD. SHORT CIRCUIT. DEAD MUM SOB STORY. ARRRGHHHH. CRRASSSHHHHH.

New Megan Fox

HEY THERE

LOW ANGLE SHOT OF PEOPLE GETTING OUT OF CARS. NONSENSICAL PLOT DEVELOPMENT. CRASSHHH. BOOOOOOM. BASIL EXPOSITION. FRASIER. ARRRGHHHH. PRODUCT PLACEMENT.

FIIIIGHT. SMACK. MY FACE IS MY WARRANT.

‘MURICA. UNEXPLAINED PLOT DETAIL. IRISH SETH ROGAN. BOOOOOM. BAAANG. ROBOT ROSEANNE’S HUSBAND.

MILD RACISM. LOW ANGLE SHOT OF PEOPLE GETTING OUT OF CARS. AARRGRHHH. FAKE STEVE JOBS. PRODUCT PLACEMENT.

NONSENSICAL PLOT DEVELOPMENT. CRASHHHHH. FAST CARS. ZOOOOOOOM.

Bud Light

THIRSTY?

TOILET BREAK.

PRODUCT PLACEMENT. LOW ANGLE SHOT. SILHOUETTES. PRODUCT PLACEMENT. BAAAANG. MILD RACISM. INDESTRUCTIBLE HUMANS. SHIT PARKOUR.

TRANSFORMIUMIUMIUM. GIANT GRENADE. BOOOOOOOM. PRODUCT PLACEMENT. GALVATRON LOOKS FAMILIAR.

DEUS EX MACHINA. JURASSIC SPARK. UNEXPLAINED PLOT DEVELOPMENT. SWOOOOOOSH. EXPLOOOOSSSIIOOOON.

BADASS DINOSAUR ROBOTS WHO COULD HAVE HAD THEIR OWN FILM ONLY HAVE A FEW MINUTES OF SCREEN TIME. ARRRGRHHHH.

ROOOOOAAAAR

MARKY MARK BEING UNNECESSARY HERO. BOOOOOOM. NONSENSICAL PLOT. ANGRY FRASIER. INDESTRUCTIBLE OPTIMUS. SMAAASSSHHH.

INAPPROPRIATELY TIMED KISS. NO DENOUEMENT.

SET UP FOR TRANSFORMERS 5.

Pros

  • Transformers look pretty cool
  • Stanley Tucci

Cons

  • ARRRGRHHHH
  • SMAASSSHH
  • PRODUCT PLACEMENT
  • BOOOOOOOM

2 pigeons

2/5 pigeons

 

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47 thoughts on “A Review of Transformers: Age of Extinction as if written by Michael Bay

  1. movierob says:

    great review Chris! Nice to see you back in action! Havent seen this yet, but I’m not in much of a rush 🙂

  2. Stu says:

    Haha nice work mate. I mean ‘Michael’.

  3. noisynoodle says:

    Dammit, your review contained a spoiler or two didn’t it?

  4. Tyson Carter says:

    Surely Marky Mark is a pro?? 🙂

  5. Best review of a Bay film I’ve ever read. You’ve said it all, Chris. 🙂

  6. ckckred says:

    At least there’s no Shia. Nice review.

  7. Ha! This is perfect. I think you missed a BOOOOM though. 😉

    Adam

  8. Hahaha, I love this! I bet this is what Michael Bay DVD commentary sounds like.

  9. Haha i love this review Chris! Especially this:

    LOW ANGLE SHOT OF PEOPLE GETTING OUT OF CARS

  10. Ha ha; inspired work Chris!

  11. CMrok93 says:

    Haha pretty much!

  12. Brittani says:

    LOL. I love this (Especially the Bud Light picture, the official beer of DudeBros)

  13. 70srichard says:

    More laughs than in the 2 hours and forty-five minutes of this film. Once in a while a movie needs to be taken down for the crap that it is, even if it has cool mechanical dinosaurs.

  14. ianthecool says:

    *Comment made from low angle as I exit a slick looking vehicle
    GREat REView! What about—- UNFUNNY RACISM JOKES!! and BLAM! MYSOGENY! and BOOM! HOMOPHOBIC COMMENTS!

  15. Zoë says:

    Possibly one of my favourite reviews of all time!

  16. ruth says:

    Brilliant Chris, absolutely brilliant!! Heck not even Bay could write such a fine review as this, I think his would be filled w/ BOOM! BAM! POW! KABLOOOEY! and a whole bunch of inappropriate photos of the Megan Fox lookalike, ahah.

  17. elina says:

    This is my favourite review, ever! JURASSIC SPARK! Also, I want to see this now — not just for the BOOM and product placement and low-angle shots and nonsensical plot, but Stanley Tucci too!!! YAY!

  18. Beer Movie says:

    Expertly written sir. I think Bay would have squeezed a little more boom and casual racism in there. It would have also been about four times longer. But I loved this, totally reflected my dire experience of seeing this one.

  19. Mark Hobin says:

    Even though I figured it would happen, it still surprises me that Transformers: Age of Extinction is currently the #1 box office hit of Summer 2014. I suspect Guardians of the Galaxy will ultimately change all that though.

  20. Bay’s direction was impeccable and we are really fortunate to see him at his prime. Not many directors could capture the raw emotion of the “DEAD MUM SOB STORY. ARRRGHHHH. CRRASSSHHHHH” scene. I was really impressed with the subtle nod to Fellini during the third act, right around “UNEXPLAINED PLOT DEVELOPMENT. SWOOOOOOSH. EXPLOOOOSSSIIOOOON.”

    Just kidding. I didn’t see this and probably never will. Your review is absolutely perfect. This series brings out a movie-rage in me I didn’t even know existed.

  21. Nostra says:

    Hahaha, awesome review and can’t do anything but agree 😉

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